My Marriage Manifesto In Celebration of Our 7th Wedding Anniversary

I'm drawn to the word "manifesto."  The word carries weight.  According to Merriam-Webster, a manifesto is a "written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives, or view of its issuer."  

On my 7th wedding anniversary, I wrote and dedicated this manifesto to my husband Eric, an independent thinker whose mind refuses to be limited by convention, paradigms, traditions; a brilliant body-worker who refuses to take credit for his talents; a courageous and dedicated athlete whose body unabashedly robbed him of his physical movements but never his spirit.  My husband is a man of integrity. 

I am my husband's biggest fan.  But I'm not delusional to think that his shit doesn't stink. His shit stinks just as much as anyone else's, but that does not negate his courage, brilliance, talents, and generosity.  I am his biggest fan in spite of all his flaws.  

For our 7th anniversary, I ponder the "perfect gift."  Neither of us gives much credence to "gifting by calendar-occasions," but a present any time of the year is always welcome and appreciated.  For me, the more presents for no reasons, the better!!  

Just for shits and giggles, I looked up traditional symbols and "acceptable" gifts for the 7th anniversary: traditional gifts can be made of copper or wool, and a modern gift can be - wait for it - a desk set!!  A DESK SET.  (Insert eyes roll)  Well, how about a copper desk set wrapped in a wool blanket!?  Perhaps not.     

Eric is my life partner who also holds a more common title "husband."  Conventional paradigm would have me wish or believe that he should be the "love of my life" or "one true love" or "the most important person."  I do not believe in such definitive grandeur; not any more.  I have grown to acknowledge such a statement is not only unnecessary but perhaps superfluous.  Not only is it unnecessary to quantify and compare his position with others by ranking his importance, it is also impossible.  This has not always been my belief.  My paradigm was filled with fairy tales, perhaps under years of influence by traditional marketing and advertising of TV commercials, Disney movies, fictional stories, societal expectations, religious confinement, insecurity, and more.  

Our journey together over a decade has enabled me to develop a healthy sense of security and self-assurance.  It taught me there is absolutely no need to be ranked as "number one."  There is no meaningful value to be "the most important."  And there is no substance to be the "love of his life."  When there is no demand and expectation of such, the energy flows freely without obstruction.  Marriage is not a contest; the prize is not bragging rights.    

My journey with Eric through the years also constantly challenges me to examine the tribes with which I associate myself, and the acts of constant "detribalization," so I may learn to think for myself.  Our marriage partnership demands open discussions of tribal expectations, fears, disappointments, and desires.  Our journey together accepts no short cuts.  As a result, I benefit.  Over the years and through our marriage I greatly improve my awareness of myself and others, my communication, my emotions.  I become more deliberate, more aware.  I become vocal and purposeful.  It is more than finding my voice; it is becoming "my own."  I love the person I am becoming.  

Our marriage is not just rainbows and unicorns.  One ordinary but fateful morning eight years ago, he got robbed, figuratively speaking.  He woke up, and he couldn't move.  Hell flooded my home that morning.  If there were any gods, they robbed my husband of his physical strength, his health, the adventurous and active lifestyle that gives this man the most joy.  They robbed this world a precious, useful, beautiful gem.  I never forgave any of them gods.  Nor will I ever.  

Moving freely and gracefully is Eric's first love; it always will be.  Being his wife, witnessing his daily courage, perseverance, and diligence in finding a prognosis; watching him constantly meditate and strive for relief; making himself available to help anyone who asks him for help to relieve THEIR physical and emotional pain;  watching him to always live IN the moment.  Our journey fully rids me of any self-pity.    

I become completely intolerant of laziness, whining, entitlement, ingratitude.  My personal growth through his horrendous experience is simple yet profound:  I make no postponement for joy, however tiny, with my husband.  I take complete responsibility for the many hours I spend at work - the time I am most alert and creative - to make sure it is every bit for MY benefits and personal satisfaction.  I expect no miracles from others but I accept no excuses of incompetence.  I make extra efforts to express my gratitude openly, freely, repeatedly.  I don't sweat the small stuff.  My growth is simple, yet profound.  

Our trying journey also helped me develop an acute awareness and empathy of other's emotional and physical sufferings.  

For various reasons, we prefer to celebrate our anniversary on May 23rd, the day we went on our first date, hiking the foothill in Boise, ID.  The calendar date or year is entirely unimportant, let alone the kind of traditional or acceptable anniversary gift it brings. Never postpone joy, however tiny it may be.  

On this day, my official 7th wedding anniversary, I have picked the perfect gift for my husband:  An account of my gratitude and personal growth attributed to him, and our journey together.  

Goals: Rest Stops on an Interstate Highway

I read this passage recently from the work of a gifted writer.  I find it intriguing, unconventional, and thought-provoking.  In fact, I find it so intriguing that I read it almost daily on my bus ride to work, just to give it some dedicated pondering time. 

"Those who cannot see, strive for a goal.  We are not goal-oriented.  Rather, we are potential-oriented.  Instead of one destination, we are interested in options that may exist.  We are not interested in a single path to a single place, but the many potentials we can envision."  

My first reaction was an ounce of defensiveness, a dash of curiosity, peppered with a teaspoon of confusion.  Of COURSE I am goal-oriented.  Being goal-oriented is universally valued as a positive, mature, employable quality and I pride myself for being a poster child.  Short term goals, long term goals, measurable goals, Big Hairy Audacious Goals.  To say that I am goal-oriented because I "cannot see" is like saying I'm...stupid.  No wonder my knee-jerk reaction was defensiveness.  Being goal-oriented is how I was brought up:  Have a goal and relentless strive for it.  When I achieve the goal it is called "success."  If I don't, well, that's just a matter of time and my stick-to-itiveness.  Don't give up.  Eyes on the post.  Persevere.  

I missed the whole point of the quote by letting my ego and emotions do all the talking but my brain, none of the thinking.

I applied the conventional goal-oriented principle on almost everything I did while growing up, and on some of the things I do: My schooling, my piano competitions, my grades, my education, my jobs, my career, my retirement planning, what I want to accomplish this weekend, my archery practice, my baking projects...  "Goals are guide posts and without them, one is sure lost!"  What if I was taught differently? To be not limited by goals but to embrace the possibilities beyond goal achievement?  To not believe the absolute but to explore endlessly?  In other words, to consider the potential of options but not the single path to a single place?

I apply the notion "potential of options" here to include conventional and religious beliefs, not just ordinary achievable goals.  My intention is not to offend anyone, but to merely challenge the potential of "what if" rather than the automatic acceptance of the absolute.

For many who believe in the one true god - whichever religion associated with the belief - instead of insisting the one single place through the one single path, what if we simply allow ourselves to envision the potential of options?  What if their children are encouraged and expected to explore other religious options?  What if there is no "truth" but merely facts?   What if the "sanctity" of marriage has nothing to do with "a man and a woman?"  What if "sanctity" is really just a made-up religious term with the sole purpose of exerting control over the masses?  What if the benefits resulting from non-goal-setting far exceeds the destination of goal-achievement?  What if education around the world focuses on possibilities and potentials instead of achievements?  What if nations become collaborative and cooperative, rather than combative, and forgo the arrogant notion of "leadership?"

Goals are not the culprits; goal-setting is not the problem.  To me, goals are merely rest points along a multitude of activities in a continuum of time - like a rest stop on an interstate highway.  By themselves, goals are powerless and meaningless.The attitude behind goal-setting makes all the difference. Given attention of the human mind, goals come alive and can become all-consuming. When a mind focuses on nothing but achieving a goal, or a single path to a single place, all peripheral potentials are ignored and they become "distractions."  What if the peripheral potentials are far more interesting?  What if the potentials bring so much more possibilities?  We cannot see the potentials, if we are conditioned to always strive for the goal - if we fixate our eyes only on the post.

"Those who cannot see, strive for a goal."

We determine the amount of freedom for our mind.  We can pamper our mind to pursue and believe in the absolute goal, or we can push it to explore the uncomfortable potentials.      

Choose to Do Good

It seems as though my writing is going through a dry spell.  There just hasn't been anything interesting and inspiring enough.  Maybe that itself is worth writing: seeing the extraordinaries in the mundaneness.   

I reached my 11th anniversary with my Company a week after I returned to work.  It seemed only yesterday that I celebrated my 10th year.  I was surrounded by great people: warmth, well wishes, laughs, congratulations, and a big spread of delightful pastries. Friends spoiled me with nearly 30 pounds of unrivaled Starbucks coffee from Guatamela called Casi Cielo, which lasted me for exactly one year.  Even Oprah SKYPED in; as a gift, she gave me the State of Montana...   I dare say, not everyone gets this royal treatment.   



I love bragging about my friends at work.  They are one of many reasons I returned to work: They help me become a better human being.

Fast forward to today. Today was extraordinary. Today I found the extraordinaries in the mundaneness, and it started with a voicemail.  

My good friend Janelle and her partner had a sweet Corgi named Abby, who passed away recently.  I decided to paint a watercolor of Abby for Janelle and Pam for one simple reason - because I can.  I then baked my delightful coconut-milk buns to share with my friends.


This morning, I received the warmest voicemail from Pam.  It made an extraordinary day as I realized that my random, simple act had actually made Pam so happy, and that it had meant so much to her.  What made it extraordinary was the fact that I did exactly what I wanted to do, and I was not concerned about, or attached to, the outcome.  I didn't worry about how the painting would turn out; what Abby would look like; whether the coconut buns would be tasty.  Pam's reaction and the positive outcome was the icing on the cake.  It reminded me that I could not possibly go wrong if I do something out of love and care.  


I was once again humbled and reminded that I have the power to make choices.  I may never live to know what impact I make on another person by what I say or what I do.  So given the opportunity, choose to remark what just *may* leave a positive impact.  


Choose to do good.  

Sabbatical Epilogue: A "Slightly New" Lease on Life

To say I've gotten a new lease on life after my sabbatical is just a tad too dramatic. After all, I am simply adjusting to a few perspectives developed during this time. I want something to help me remember, appreciate, and apply the insights so they do not drown in the noise or daily doldrums.  Instead of the customary ramble, I challenge myself to succinctly capture my thoughts in just a few paragraphs.      

Or perhaps through a few quotes.   

#  #  #

I have gained a deep appreciation that my life is about being light and playful, with intermittent moments of seriousness; not the other way around.  Learning how to live lightly and playfully encourages expressions and promotes feelings - senses and skills we sorely lack nowadays.  How do two people make meaningful connections without expressing feelings?  And what kind of life would it be without meaningful human connections?   


I used to wonder - and ponder - what and how I can "contribute" to the greater good in the world.  A quote from Dr. Howard Thurman sums up perfectly:  "Don't worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."  Over the last six months, what repeatedly made me feel alive was sometimes an activity; sometimes a personal connection; perhaps a feeling; or a fresh idea.  Yes, I came totally alive every time I basked in my Fresh Idea. I remember now.  


A simple quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. reminded me that "our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."  I was also poignantly reminded that no one is silent though many are not heard; work to change this. Stand up, and stand tall.  My cause depends on it, as does my backbone.  I am to continue to champion the causes that I am passionate about and believe in.  No apologies needed.      

Lastly, the genius Albert Einstein bestowed his wisdom.  "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities.  The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."  This continues to be a tough lesson and realization.   Aspire to become a Great Spirit and determined to break away from Mediocrity, I began to take numerous introspective looks to examine what I am and what I aspire to become.  What myths am I willing to forego; tribes from which to turn my back.  What journeys am I willing to forge forward; and paradigms to challenge.  What mediocrities am I willing to leave behind, forever.  


How long does one take to become a Great Spirit?  


Here's a paradox:  Would I remain what I am if I believe what someone says about me?  

  

Welcome to Two Thousand and Twelve!

What a fabulous year it was.  2011.  There is no need to talk about what transpired last year. All the major and noteworthy events were already recorded on this Blog.  

It is now 2012.  I am going back to work in exactly one week.  

I have been asking whether I look forward to going back to work.  I decided that I will not look forward to it, nor will I look back, lamenting it.  If I focus on either, I end up losing the most important part:  the present.  After all, the day will eventually come so there is no sense rushing it.  Since I was the one who made the conscious decision of returning to work, what is the use of grieving and lamenting the passing of my long sabbatical?  

When the leave is over, it is exactly the length of leave I needed.  No more and no less.  Comes January 8, I am to pack my brief case and my lunch bag (not necessarily in that order), set the alarm, make sure I have the correct change for the bus.  Then I start a new chapter.  

Just as the day I left for my sabbatical, my return requires no drama.  It is just another day on the calendar.  

I asked myself what kind of Year 2012 I want to create.  Then I send those same good wishes to friends and family.  I came up with a few good ideas.  

I will create my year with joy.  Joy is a state of internal happiness regardless of the events transpire.  

I will create my year with love.  The Beatles will tell you that All You Need is Love, and there's nothing you can do that can't be done.  Who am I to argue with the Beatles!?  

I will create my year with great health.  Having great health is the soundest investment I will make for myself.  Since I already have the genes on my side, I believe it's reasonable to expect some efforts on my part.   

Depending on the audience, I also wished for different lovely things for my friends, but all are the same things that I want to create for me.  

Exciting journeys that challenge paradigms.   

Gooey love with your life-partner.

A garden with bumper crops of tomatoes and carrots and peas and berries. One dear friend raises chickens.  I wished her daily fresh eggs from her hens.  I thought that was genius.

Nonstop laughters that won't bring wrinkles or crow's feet. 

A constant desire to create, to paint, to bake, to nurture, to grow, to self-develop.  

Most important of all, purpose and self-satisfaction.  

I also wish for you all these great things.  And if New Year's Resolution is your cup of tea, please consider making a Different Kind of Resolution this year. 

To quote my favorite Public Television's SIMPLY MING chef Ming Tsai: "Peace, and good eating."  

Ringing in the New Year with
Toshikoshi Kinoko Udon, a symbol for longevity.
Featured here: Organic soba, sautéed
shiitake and other wild mushrooms,
dashi broth, and garnished with
green onions and toasted nori.
Enjoyed with friend's home brew.  

Toshikoshi means "jump from one year to another".  Kinoko means mushroom in Japanese.  So this dish is roughly translated as Year End Mushroom Soba Noodles.  


(Recipe adopted from Loving Lanvin) 
Serves 4


Ingredients: 

Soba noodles for 4

For Sautéed Mushrooms:

8 Shiitake Mushrooms, stems removed and sliced
2 packages Shimeji mushrooms, ends trimmed and separated
2 packages Enoki mushrooms, ends trimmed and separated
2 Tablespoons Sesame Oil
Salt and Pepper to taste

(Feel free to substitute other kinds of mushrooms such as oyster mushrooms or crimini)

Garnish: 

1 bunch of scallions, chopped
Toasted nori, cut into thin strips
Shichimi Togarashi (Japanese Seven Spice Mix)

Dashi Soup Recipe:

6 Cups Water
1 5-6 inch piece of Kombu (dried kelp)
1 large handful (about 2 cups) Katsuobushi (Dried Shaved Bonito Flakes)
5 Tbsp Soy Sauce

5 Tbsp mirin

(You can also find Dashi soup base in powdered form in some Asian markets.  Be sure to buy the kind that does not have MSG) 

1.  Combine the Kombu and water in a pot over medium-low heat.  The water should be approaching a boil after about 20 minutes (adjust the heat if the water looks like it’s coming to a boil too soon or too slowly).  Once the water comes to a boil, immediately turn off heat and remove the Kombu.
2.  Add the dried bonito flakes all at once.  Wait until they absorb the water and sink to the bottom of the pot, about 20-30 minutes.
3. Strain the broth through a fine-mesh sieve (You can also line a regular strainer with two layers of cheesecloth or paper towels).  Let strain for a couple of minutes, do not squeeze the excess liquid from the bonito flakes, this will make the Dashi cloudy and bitter.  Add the soy sauce and mirin to the Dashi and keep hot on the stove.

Sautéed Mushrooms:
Heat sesame oil in a medium skillet over medium high heat and quickly sauté mushrooms until soft.  Salt and pepper to taste and set aside.


Preparing the Soba:
1.  Bring a large pot of water to a boil.  Add the soba noodles and lower heat to a simmer.  Do not cook Soba in a rolling boil, they are very delicate and break easily.  Cook the Soba following the instructions on the package.  Strain and rinse soba really well under cold water.
2.  Transfer the soba into four bowls and pour the hot dashi soup over the noodles.  Top with the mushrooms, chopped scallions and nori.  Serve immediately with Shichimi Togarashi on the side.