Most days, I have no recollection of what mundaneness transpired just 24-hours prior. Without a reminder of any given moments, it makes benchmarking difficult; I am still at a point where I need to benchmark my life against something of the past. To show some kind of "mental progress," it seems. What better time to make such a comparison but the first day of a new year?
The value of blogging my thoughts is becoming clearer. I can almost visualize mental progress. My writing reads a bit different to me now comparing to a year ago. It feels less...contrived. Less theatrical. Less subtle. More as-a-matter-of-fact. Maybe even grounded. Sometimes my writing is focused and deliberate. Others, scattered and conventional. I think my writing doubles as a reflection of my mental state.
The value of blogging my thoughts is becoming clearer. I can almost visualize mental progress. My writing reads a bit different to me now comparing to a year ago. It feels less...contrived. Less theatrical. Less subtle. More as-a-matter-of-fact. Maybe even grounded. Sometimes my writing is focused and deliberate. Others, scattered and conventional. I think my writing doubles as a reflection of my mental state.
In many ways 2012 could not be a more mundane year but it was not for a lack of events. It was not a "bad" year; rather, it was pretty unbearable. Except to a few close friends who knew of the details, to the rest of the world my days continued as normal. It was what I desperately desired: normalcy, as if there were even such a thing. Some say "normal" is boring - and that every adversity happens for a reason and it makes your life interesting. I'm not sure who invented that bull shit but it certainly does not sound inspirational at all. Moral of the story: "Glass half full" is situational; sometimes, silence truly is gold.
Things happen, but I'm not so sure if they have to "happen for a reason." Whether things are "good" or "bad", which denotes value judgements, they are all just relative. Maybe we say that to make us feel hopeful, since we have no control over majority of things that happen to and around us. Chalking it up to some unknown reasons makes it sound like some goddess in the universe knows better. Maybe she does; maybe she doesn't. Nothing wrong with thinking hopeful.
I enter 2013 with a very different mind set and attitude than 2012. I may be reserved and tentative, but I remain positive and faithful that Eric's undiagnosed condition will make progress. Not through miracles, not through "expert advice", but sheer persistence, pure sweat, and more pain.
When I look back in 365 days, searching for my benchmark, looking for that "mental progress", I wish for a dramatically different year.
Let it be less pain.
Frankly there isn't much else I care deeply about. Not even on New Year's Day.
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