Monday, June 8, 2015

Birthday Wishes

When I blow out the birthday candles on my cake this year, I wouldn't know what to wish for. I want nothing and I certainly don't need more stuff, except maybe an extra set of measuring spoons or a heat-proof rubber spatula.  Other than that, I truly need nothing. I wish I would get excited about some trendy Italian handbags or expensive jewelries or even a fancy dinner.  Or a puppy.       But I don't.  

I still love my birthday.  

Bryan died a few days after I last saw him at the hospital.  His memorial service, a celebration of his life, was the 8th memorial service I attended in two years.  B and I were not very close, but his wife and I are.  We have been buddies for fifteen years.  Of all my friends who passed in the last two years, Jeff's loss feels the most like Eric's death.  I have tears every time I think about Jeff.  It reminds me of what Eric had left behind.  It makes me angry my good friend has to go through this shit.

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I think it's time to release Eric's ashes this summer.  I am not ready, because I would tear up every time I think about it.  Every single time, without fail.  But I do not believe there is such a thing as ever being ready to release your spouse's ashes.  I reason with myself that it's not about me being ready; it's about Eric's ashes.  My husband was never meant to be confined in a box, so why should his ashes?  I reason that if I wait until I am ready, I would never do it.  I reason with myself that life doesn't wait.  

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I wish for peace and healing for Jeff.  I wish for familiarity.  I wish for tears, but that they would stop after a while.  I wish for gratitude.  That's what I wish for.  I wish for him new normals soon.  

I already made my wishes.  I don't need candles; please let's just eat cake.   










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