Chapter 335: That's Eleven Months

The last time I felt the need to count Chapters was May 27, 2013, after my gruesome and exhausting business trip to Dallas.  That was Chapter 100.

On Chapter 100, I did three things:  I rearranged the living room furniture, which took all of 18 minutes.  I threw away a few bottle of pills that belonged to Eric.  I re-read each condolence card, one by one, then meticulously  bundled and put them away in a dresser drawer.  There was a mountain of condolence cards.  I remember saying to myself:  "You are so lucky, Daisy.  You are so loved."  That sentiment was the absolute truth.  

Significant progress has been made since Chapter 100.  I am now on Chapter 335. Today is another 15th - the last one before the first anniversary of my husband's death.  

I am unable to entirely comprehend, still, the magnitude of this loss.  It is not simply sadness.  It cuts deeper.  The "Five Stages of Grief" do not seem to all apply.  I do not think I will ever reach Anger.  That is fine - I don't mind being a bit odd and unconventional.  

The more I try to de-emphasize February 15, the more I fear its arrival.  And, the more I resist.  The only solution is to face it head-on.  The concept of embracing the arrival of the second hardest day of your life is at best, warped.  But it is zen and peaceful.  I try not to slap a label on those feelings.  February 15 will be here in 30 days, ready or not. Being still and level-headed pays dividends.

There was not a day went by that I did not feel Eric's absence.  That does not mean my life has a hole or a void.  It means Eric is physically absent, and I am very keenly aware of and acutely sensitive to it, every breathing moment.  Since his death, I have established New Normals. Accumulated new experiences. Developed new friendships and relationships.  I am proud to say that I have not needed to create a "new me" - I am simply evolving.  

Here comes the next 30 chapters.  There will be unannounced tears.  There will be laughs. I will feel moments of great pride.  Others, not so much.  I will feel fear.  And I will feel no fear.  There will be courage, like that of a warrior woman.  And, there will be the Superbowl and the bandwagon - important moments of distraction.  

The only truly important thing is to continue to believe, and remember, with no uncertainty, that I shall triumph and emerge victoriously through it all.  That Eric's life and death holds a purpose.  That his love for me was, and will always be, Without Bounds.

I am ready for the true count down.