No, thanks. I don't need a "better" year.

New year's resolutions.  I have stopped making these wishes years ago.  I think new year's resolutions are wonderful, just not for me.  I don't like working so hard to put myself through this much thinking and wishing.  That fact is, nobody ever wishes for a bad year.  

I look at 2013 in the rear view mirror and I feel nothing but profound wonderment and gratitude.  And good fortune.  I lead a charmed life and have always had great fortune.  2013 was no exception.  I should have been crumbled to pieces, but I wasn't.  Not even close.  I should have fallen into depression, but I was too stubborn.  It would have been acceptable by all standards for me to remain at the bottom of the vortex, but I was too proud.  Right or wrong, I needed the world to know, Eric didn't marry a sissy.  Necessary or not, I wanted to do Eric proud, even in his death.  Why is it important?  It isn't.  It's neither important nor relevant.  It's my ego I needed to feed, and my pride I needed to nurse.  

Simply, I do what it takes to survive it all.  I earn my survivor tattoo one stroke at a time.  I wear my ink proudly.  Humbly but proudly.  Softly but permanently.     

I don't wish for a "better" year.  I didn't have a "bad" 2013.  Instead I had an unbearably difficult year, which didn't make it "bad."  It just meant the year was unbearably difficult, and that I don't have much in me to go through another one. In the most humble sense, I learned that I am my own hero - my heroes are those who discover that inside, we're all capable of surprising ourselves.  I surprised myself for not only surviving my husband's death, but embracing the lessons he's left me.  I surprised myself for not only recovering from my loss, but emerging beautifully and victoriously.  I surprised myself for my openness and vulnerability to grief, to share, to write, to cry, to connect.  I surprised myself for my relentless determination to get well, to ask for help, to graciously receive, to generously give back.

No, thanks.  I don't need a "better" year.  I just need to remember, I've already earned my ink.