Daisy. Clarity. Rebirth. Connector.

I have never been "enlightened" in the conventional sense.  I suppose - I assume - Buddhism might say it is achieving a state of clarity.  I am not a Buddhist, but, SOME of its teaching intrigues me.  If I compare enlightenment as "a state of clarity in life," I would say that I have never been as "enlightened" as I am at this point in my life.  Sometimes things are so real and so clear they become surreal. 

On April 28 this year, I wrote a blog entry about a lesson on kindess.  I wrote about serendipitously discovered a blog on Kindness, written by the co-founder of Puget Sound Community School Andy Smallman.  The most important takeaway of Andy's writing was about reviewing an experience in your life that caused you pain in order to find the blessings in it.  I discovered Andy's blog barely two months after Eric's death.  I found myself drawn to the assignment, but was never able to finish reading the blog without completely filling my eyes with blur.  The assignment, however, was always in my head.  I constantly reviewed this darkest time of my life that caused me tremendous and unexplainable, exhausting pain, and attempted to discover the blessings in it.  The assignment has taken a long time.  

I think I may have finally found it.  I think I may have found the hidden blessing from the death of my beloved husband, the person I loved more than anything.  Anything.  It is so hard to type just this one sentence.  It immediately makes me tear up.  But I must write it to believe it.  

The blessing, as it turns out, is my rebirth.  

Eric's death turned my life upside down in a giant vortex.  My choice was to get sucked down forever in the abyss, or emerge.  I hate water; and I sure as hell will not die in it.  The only alternative is up.  A rebirth.

I have never been as clear about my life as I am today.  After an exceedingly difficult, stressful, and emotional week at work, example after example sends me the same message.  

I am a Connector.  

I am a connector who connects people - friends to friends; friends to strangers.  
I am a connector who connects people to humanity causes. 
I connect people to important issues about the environment, justice, life.  
I connect people to Puget Sound Community School.  
I connect people to discover their own passion. 
I connect people via all channels: my warmth, my laughs, my writing, my music, my presence. My bread.  
I connect people with my passion.  My passion in living my fullest life possible.  

I am a Connector.  We are all connectors; we have tremendous responsibilities as a citizen of the world to connect each other to humanity, in ways we deem meaningful.  

I am grateful to have finally found the hidden blessing in Eric's death.  There is simply no word to describe my gratitude.  The love.  Our bond.  My journey.  I am the single most fortunate person to have shared a portion of my life with my husband, exactly the way we did.   

I am to use all these for the greater good now.  And to create another beautiful and vibrant life for me.  The canvas is set.  Paint with gusto!

Winter Sojourn 2011
Ashland, OR