The counting has ceased

I decided I am going to stop counting chapters.  I don't need benchmarking anymore. I think I just made incredible progress.  

I went away for a few days for some sunshine and R&R in central California. Respite takes in many forms.  This is my fifth trip away in twelve months.  A friend asked how I feel coming home. There is no place like home, no matter what.  I follow my evening routine:  Open door, turn off alarm, wash hands, light candles in the living room, turn on laptop, select music.  It feels like a Taco Tuesday.  It's all good.  

You've got to leverage the good days to propel yourself to the next stage, or you'll risk being stuck wallowing in the same place.  Wallowing is bad juju.  

While watching the Winter Olympics games, I learned the story about Sarah Burke, a Canadian freestyle skier and a pioneer in superpipe, and her tireless work in lobbying the IOC to include women halfpipe into the 2014 Olympics games.  She succeeded, but died in January 2012 after a severe training accident in Park City, Utah.  At an interview, Rory Burke, Sarah's husband, said Sarah never asked why, but why not.  

Words to live by.  "Why not?"  Why not stop counting chapters?  

Why not a fountain in the backyard!?
Hearst Castle, San Simeon

    

Day 365: The dream

I've anticipated the arrival of Day 365, and it's finally here. 

I want to write, but I don't know about what.  I sit in front of my Mac and stare at the screen, wishing the Facebook "blip" would sound.  It would signify somebody makes a comment on my post.  Any post.  I take a sip of my coffee, let my brain runs around in circles.  It naturally goes to the warm, sunny day 365 days ago, and the Excel spreadsheet I worked on all afternoon…  The office was thinning out around 3pm - such would be the norm on a sunny winter afternoon - yet I decided to stick around until official quittn' time.  To finish the spreadsheet, I said.  At 5:15, I put on my turquoise Patagonia jacket, I waved "have a good weekend" to my gal pal Julie, and flashed a big smile.  I was going home to my husband.  My niece Katie was waiting for me downstairs; we were carpooling.  

I threw away the spreadsheet and I never looked at it again.  I secretly loathe Excel. 

#                          #                        #

For all our years together, I never dreamed about Eric.  Not once.  How unromantic!!  But, why would I dream about him when he was already with me?   

That is, until a month after Eric died.  He came to let me know, he was completely pain free.  And fine.

I blog about it on this day because I need us to know, Eric is completely pain free. And fine.  In whatever form he is.  Wherever he is.  My good friend Ginny said, that a person dies is not nearly as important as how the person lived.  

I am very comfortable talking about Eric's death - and using the word died and death in conversations.  My husband didn't pass on.  He didn't pass away.  There is no need to soften anything with me.  Facts are facts - we need to be respectful in handling them.  I can handle facts like a champ now. 

I used to sleep through almost anything.  Thunderstorms, howling wind, earthquakes, barking dogs, neighbor screaming profanities.  That is, until Eric died. Melatonin worked its magic every once in a while.  

The night Eric visited, I actually slept.  In the dream, I found my husband sleeping in blue striped flannel pajamas…  WTF.  He never wore pajamas.  He didn't own pajamas.  And FLANNEL?  Really?  Who dressed my handsome husband!?  I was not pleased…  I was about to stop my dream and go straight to the one in charge of the sleepwear department.

I turned on the light in his dorm room; he sat up and complained, "HONE, you woke me up!!!"  He hated being woken up, because it took him so much efforts to fall asleep.  What an oxymoron:  taking efforts to fall asleep.     

"HONE!  You woke me up!  I have a trip tomorrow morning!"
"A trip?  Where are you going?  How are you supposed to fly?"
Silence.  Smiled.  "What do you think?" 
Stunned. "Where are you flying to?"
Smiled.  "I'm trying to get on the same trip to Dallas with you!" 

I broke down and weeped.  For him to sit in the cockpit and fly my plane to Dallas, it could ONLY mean one thing:  my husband was no longer caged in like a zoo animal.  My husband was no longer in pain.  My husband was free.  

Eric was a "Water Rabbit" - he was a Pisces, born in the year of Rabbit.  While on my business trip in Dallas, the Water Rabbit came to see me.  One morning at four o'clock, as I stepped out of the hotel lobby and went to work - there it was, a big rabbit in the bush!  Just sitting there, waiting.  Then slowly, he hopped away…  Sixteen hours later, I returned to the hotel after a long-ass day.  There it was again, the freakn' RABBIT!  Sitting there again, waiting…  Then slowly, he hopped away again.  

I never talked about my dream or my Water Rabbit story.  They lived solely inside of me.  Until now.

I don't know how dreams work; I don't care.  I don't want any "expert" to interpret my dreams.  I don't even know if the rabbit story has the slightest significance to anything - but who cares!?  I'm not trying to cure cancer and save babies - that's not my gig.  My gig is to be a "teacher" through my unconventional experiences, a role I never asked for, but it's the cards I've been dealt.  That's my gig.  

Find-Your-Gig.  Express it fully.  Dive All In. 

On Day 365, a much anticipated day, the anniversary of my husband's death, I am strong, soft, brave, graceful, vulnerable.  I am sad, and I am relieved.  I am immensely grateful.  My Gratitude Cup has never been so full, and that it perpetually overflows day and night.  

Water Rabbit
Dallas, TX
May, 2013

Acceptance

I saw a quote by Michael J. Fox this morning on Acceptance.  He said "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation.  It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it." 

Yes, there's got to be a way through it.  

In exactly six days I would have triumphed over a very difficult event in my life for one full year.  365 days seems like a lifetime to be alive without my husband, yet I am immensely grateful to be still alive, despite his absence.  Not just to be alive, but thrive. Not just thrive, but to do so bravely, victoriously, triumphantly.  To be Daisy.  I am immensely, immensely grateful for the ability to evolve.  To evolve as a human being when I have to get through it all.  I am most, most grateful for my parents for raising a daughter who is smart, funny, beautiful, and brave.  

To be brave.  That's the only way to get through it.  

Looking back, I have the faintest idea when mourning ends and acceptance begins. I know it was not sequential.  I don't think grief ever ends, but acceptance does begin.   I believe when grief becomes more familiar, acceptance sprouts.  When acceptance grows, you begin to get through it.  You muster up everything, every fiber in you - love, strength, courage, sticktoitiveness, friendship, faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in humanity, distractions, sheer stubbornness - and you trudge through it.  The process is like shampooing hair:  Wet.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.  

To accept.  It's the beginning of trudging through it all.  

It probably wouldn't be an exaggeration if I call last year "the most horrendous experience" of my life, but that is not all accurate.  Yes, PART of the year was horrendous.  True, getting through it was f'nkg hell.  Too many days, I simply didn't want to get through it.  I wanted to dig a hole, jump in, and call it forever good. Like burying a dead gold fish.  My bones physically ached.  It felt like blood should pore through my skin.  Accurate, I could not possibly go through the loss of a husband again.  But through my spiral vortex I am emerging as the most beautiful human being I could possibly be in all my years combined.  

It wasn't my doing; the credit didn't belong to me.  It belongs to my family and friends who surround me with the most profound, unexplainable love.  Those who tell and show me over and over and over how much they love and support me; those who remind me repeatedly how much Eric loved and adored me, and all he ever wanted was for me to be completely happy.  My growth belongs to the Universe. My Universe.  The Universe that always provides.   

To know that you are enough.  It's the path to get through it. 

I have a fresh perspective on love.  On relationships.  
I have a fresh perspective on how to love, how to accept love, and how to ask for love. 
I find it perfectly acceptable and reasonable to ask for love.  In fact, humble.
I have a fresh perspective on life and death. 
MY life.  
I have a fresh perspective on living with courage in spite of fear.  Everyday. 
I have a fresh perspective on me. And what I am capable of.  
I have a fresh perspective on my desires.  
I have a fresh perspective on acceptance.  
I have a fresh perspective on my husband.  My love.  My hero - a term he would never accept.  
I have a fresh perspective on my husband's life.  And his death. 

I have developed a perspective on what it means to "get through it all."  

In six days, it appears I would have to relive all the moments on that sunny day.  I would remember our texts.  I would listen to Tchaikovsky.  And I would remember our final discussion on this great Russian composer.  His abnormally large hands, we joked.  Then I would watch the clock and count the minutes.  And I would hear my piercing screams replaying themselves like a broken record.  I would see what I saw. I would feel my body going into complete shock.  And I would cry.  Perhaps weep.  I would remember my breathing stopped.  The controlled chaos.  I would remember I wish I were dead, as well.  I would have to relive it all, minute by minute.  What I wouldn't give to bribe someone to knock me out cold with a two by four, just for a couple of hours.  But that's not Daisy.  It's not her style.  She will face it.  Minute by minute.  Head on.  And go on.  

She will look herself in the mirror, say, "you have done exceptionally well, triumphed victoriously, and gotten through it all.  I am very proud of you.  May you continue to discover fresh perspectives for another 365 days."  

She wouldn't have it any other way.  She is, after all, her husband's proud wife. 

Eric climbing at City of Rocks

  

     

The Bandwagon that served many purposes

For weeks and months leading up to Super Bowl XLVIII, she declared herself a bandwagon Seahawks fan.  And owned it.  This proud 12th Man flew the Seahawks flags on her Soobie Outback.  Her Mojo Toes had a fresh coat of OPI blue nail polish every ten days for three months, with a "12" written on each thumb and big toe. For days, she never bothered riding on someone else's bandwagon.  She owns her own wagon.  She is her own wagon.  

Her friends are gracious people.  Some are perplexed. A few are stunned.  Most just play along, thinking it's the best thing since sliced bread that she let her hair down a bit and have a grand 'ol time.  Women joined her insanity and painted their fingernails and toenails Seahawks blue and green with "12" written all over. Wives of coworkers; daughters of acquaintances. Checkers at the grocery stands.  If you want to start a movement, go grassroot… 

I am that Bandwagon.  

My bandwagon makes me remember - and thirsty - for the stuff I did, not that long ago.  I want to be able to intelligently discuss a Tchaikovsky composition and just as comfortably, rock out at a rock concert.  I want to play Chopin, write Haiku, shoot my arrows and fire my guns.  I want to climb; I want to golf; I want to ski; I want to fly kites.  I want to lie on the warm sand like a beach whale, and hang-glide off the cliff.  I want to go to the opera house looking drop-dead gorgeous in my heels, and road-tripping in my van without showering for three days.  I want to eat caviar, drink champagne from a flute, and skin a fresh turkey with my bare hands.  I want to whisper ever so seductively in somebody's ears, and swear my head off at a bunch of 300# men dog-piling each other wearing colorful tights.  My bandwagon poignantly reminds me - I have only one life to live. Waiting for anyone - anyone's - approvals or endorsements is a luxury I can never afford.  My Bandwagon has served its purpose of letting me see ever so clearly.  

NFL Second Round Playoff
Seahawks 23-15 Saints
January 11, 2014

My bandwagon is also my best distraction of all distractions.  If you have ever had a need for temporary distractions, you would understand.  Distractions are like oxycodones.  Narcotics.  Narcotics don't stop the pain; they merely take the edge off.  They provide temporary relief.  At some point, the relief stops and the edge returns.  In my case, the distraction worked for two full months and stops just after Super Bowl XLVIII on February 2.  My bandwagon has served its full purpose of diverting my attention from my loss to considering what I just might have gained.  

My bandwagon gave me a different perspective on people and relationships. 

My bandwagon also represented many personal things to me.  It served many purposes. It took on a life of its own.  My bandwagon gave me hearty belly laughs.  It made my friends cheer.  It made me feel wonderfully silly and remarkable.

I haven't had this much fun for a long, long time.  And I am very grateful for my courageous bandwagon. 

Chapter 344: Tick-Tock-Tick-Tock

0345.  Tonight, my intermittent love affair with insomnia is at the "on-again" stage. Therapists or column-writers would heed warnings on all "on-again, off-again" love affairs.  Including one with insomnia. 

The cheap alarm clock in the bathroom articulates tick-tock-tick-tock every second. It's an annoying sound.  It reminds me of time lapse.  It reminds me of the infiniteness of time.  It reminds me of my husband's death.  Actually, that's not true.  It doesn't remind me of Eric's death.  To remind implies a stage of forgetting. I don't need anything or anyone to remind me of my husband, but the tick-tock in the stillness of the night brings his image, all images, forward.  

The tick-tock exacerbates everything. 

The tick-tock replays our chapters.  Human memories suck. We remember events as we choose to remember them, not necessarily the ways they actually happened. The tick-tock replays the years of incomprehensible agony my husband endured.  It reminds me of all the disagreements we have had through the years, yet he never, ever, raised his voice at me.  That he would never engage in a fight but approached every conflict in the most - I kid you not - annoyingly rational discussion…  The tick-tock reminds me of our most invaluable Couchsurfing experiences that led me to the most amazing people and self discoveries; it reminds me to never let fear dominates my decision.  The tick-tock reminds me of Eric's moodiness, his constant needs for intellectual challenges, his passion for graceful movements; his mandate for living life fully.  The tick-tock reminds me of my bossiness, my optimism, my plea to the worthless gods who turned their eyes from sufferings.  The tick-tock reminds me of something extremely important:  I was the best wife I knew how.  I did my best. And that I couldn't have done any better.  

The tick-tock also replays one of our last walks around the neighborhood, and our conversation.  It reminds me how much my husband loved me, in the most unconditioned way.  Not unconditional, but unconditioned; to me, it was more meaningful.  The tick-tock reminds me of the Sunday afternoon preceding my husband's death.  I wanted to go for a skate, but was preparing a Japanese dinner to celebrate Chinese New Year - we were a United Nation family after all.  When I finally got around to it, I missed the warm sun on the skate path.  Eric said, "Moral of the story: When the sun is out, drop everything, go do stuff."  

The tick-tock speaks simple facts. When Eric died, he chose to remember that he had a great life with great friends.  He lived his life in the moment; all-in.  That my husband left no stone unturned to get well, or get better. That I, his wife, was one of the most precious people in his life.  His wish was always for me to be happy. That he loved me, without any bounds.  

The tick-tock says:  I allow nobody to judge him and his death.

The tick-tock continues at 0615. 

Chapter 335: That's Eleven Months

The last time I felt the need to count Chapters was May 27, 2013, after my gruesome and exhausting business trip to Dallas.  That was Chapter 100.

On Chapter 100, I did three things:  I rearranged the living room furniture, which took all of 18 minutes.  I threw away a few bottle of pills that belonged to Eric.  I re-read each condolence card, one by one, then meticulously  bundled and put them away in a dresser drawer.  There was a mountain of condolence cards.  I remember saying to myself:  "You are so lucky, Daisy.  You are so loved."  That sentiment was the absolute truth.  

Significant progress has been made since Chapter 100.  I am now on Chapter 335. Today is another 15th - the last one before the first anniversary of my husband's death.  

I am unable to entirely comprehend, still, the magnitude of this loss.  It is not simply sadness.  It cuts deeper.  The "Five Stages of Grief" do not seem to all apply.  I do not think I will ever reach Anger.  That is fine - I don't mind being a bit odd and unconventional.  

The more I try to de-emphasize February 15, the more I fear its arrival.  And, the more I resist.  The only solution is to face it head-on.  The concept of embracing the arrival of the second hardest day of your life is at best, warped.  But it is zen and peaceful.  I try not to slap a label on those feelings.  February 15 will be here in 30 days, ready or not. Being still and level-headed pays dividends.

There was not a day went by that I did not feel Eric's absence.  That does not mean my life has a hole or a void.  It means Eric is physically absent, and I am very keenly aware of and acutely sensitive to it, every breathing moment.  Since his death, I have established New Normals. Accumulated new experiences. Developed new friendships and relationships.  I am proud to say that I have not needed to create a "new me" - I am simply evolving.  

Here comes the next 30 chapters.  There will be unannounced tears.  There will be laughs. I will feel moments of great pride.  Others, not so much.  I will feel fear.  And I will feel no fear.  There will be courage, like that of a warrior woman.  And, there will be the Superbowl and the bandwagon - important moments of distraction.  

The only truly important thing is to continue to believe, and remember, with no uncertainty, that I shall triumph and emerge victoriously through it all.  That Eric's life and death holds a purpose.  That his love for me was, and will always be, Without Bounds.

I am ready for the true count down. 

No, thanks. I don't need a "better" year.

New year's resolutions.  I have stopped making these wishes years ago.  I think new year's resolutions are wonderful, just not for me.  I don't like working so hard to put myself through this much thinking and wishing.  That fact is, nobody ever wishes for a bad year.  

I look at 2013 in the rear view mirror and I feel nothing but profound wonderment and gratitude.  And good fortune.  I lead a charmed life and have always had great fortune.  2013 was no exception.  I should have been crumbled to pieces, but I wasn't.  Not even close.  I should have fallen into depression, but I was too stubborn.  It would have been acceptable by all standards for me to remain at the bottom of the vortex, but I was too proud.  Right or wrong, I needed the world to know, Eric didn't marry a sissy.  Necessary or not, I wanted to do Eric proud, even in his death.  Why is it important?  It isn't.  It's neither important nor relevant.  It's my ego I needed to feed, and my pride I needed to nurse.  

Simply, I do what it takes to survive it all.  I earn my survivor tattoo one stroke at a time.  I wear my ink proudly.  Humbly but proudly.  Softly but permanently.     

I don't wish for a "better" year.  I didn't have a "bad" 2013.  Instead I had an unbearably difficult year, which didn't make it "bad."  It just meant the year was unbearably difficult, and that I don't have much in me to go through another one. In the most humble sense, I learned that I am my own hero - my heroes are those who discover that inside, we're all capable of surprising ourselves.  I surprised myself for not only surviving my husband's death, but embracing the lessons he's left me.  I surprised myself for not only recovering from my loss, but emerging beautifully and victoriously.  I surprised myself for my openness and vulnerability to grief, to share, to write, to cry, to connect.  I surprised myself for my relentless determination to get well, to ask for help, to graciously receive, to generously give back.

No, thanks.  I don't need a "better" year.  I just need to remember, I've already earned my ink.