Chapter 71. A lesson on kindness

I stumbled upon a blog about kindness, written by Andy Smallman, co-founder of Puget Sound Community School.  PSCS is an independent private school in Seattle, WA.  Eric volunteered at PSCS for several terms in the past years.  I cannot say it was pure coincidence that I discovered Andy's blog.  What seemed serendipitous was my uncovering of one particular blog entry Finding the Positive in Andy's online classes on Kindness.  

The article is relevant and poignant.  I find myself drawn to the assignment, yet many times unable to finish reading it.  I read to almost the end, and my eyes became blurry.  "...(the movie) does serve to illustrate the point...which involved reviewing an experience in your life that caused you pain in order to find the blessing(s) in it.  This can be an extremely difficult thing to do, finding the positive in something that might have been tragic for you at the time.  And not only that, but to acknowledge that even with gratitude."    

There were experiences in my life that caused me pain, of course.  Events that seemed like major hurricanes at the time were eventually soothed and in time, I was able to acknowledge them with gratitude.  Now, naturally, my attention turned to my husband's death.  How do I ever acknowledge Eric's death with gratitude? How do I find the positive to his death?  That sounds entirely too impossible, and cold.  I am the perfect student to find out how.  I must learn this, impossible as it seems. 

I meditate on this assignment everyday for a week.  I worked really hard to make sure I don't take the lesson out of context, or became defensive.  I still have not acknowledged any gratitude or found the positive in Eric's death, but I have managed to switch the focus of the word(s).  I have somehow managed to switch the focus from my loss, or Eric's death, to the love and relationship we have created together that is lasting.  


My introspection concluded that the love Eric and I have for each other is amazing and incredible.  It is not unconditional.  It is unconditioned.  Big difference. And in my opinion, more meaningful.  I have not realized how strong our love is, until now.  I have not adequately appreciated the strength of our bond, until now.  The second half of my life will be even more fruitful and meaningful, because of what Eric and I have created together during my first half.  I will not only be fine; I will triumph.  My introspection was clear, confident, vivid.
I stand  10-feet tall, with my spine straight up.  I am one incredibly, incredibly lucky woman.  How does this not deserve gratitude? 

Suddenly, I realized, I just may have learned the lesson on Finding the Positive, simply by switching my focus.  It is not avoiding the cold fact - my husband's death - or burying my head in the sand like an ostrich.  It is not the blind will of positive thinking.  It is the power of our mind and our thoughts.  It is meditating on the right stuff.  It is using the power of our brain to focus on the stuff that matters; the stuff that deserves our mind and energy.  Is the loss of Eric and his death more deserving of my daily focus?  Or is it what we have created together - something that is lasting?    

Just because I choose not to focus on the end of Eric's physical life on Earth does not make me think of my husband any less.  In fact, there is no more capacity in my whole being to long for our reunion, and for him to hold my hands ever so tightly again.  

I am immensely grateful to have stumbled upon Andy's website.  It is one great introspective discovery, and one hell of a lesson on kindness.