Poky and Big Breasts

Made you GASP!!   

If Sir-Mix-A-Lot had seen the Grand Teton of Wyoming before he wrote his rap classic, maybe he would have changed the lyrics from "butts" to "breasts"...or something more demographically appropriate and descriptive.  

"I like big breasts and I can-not lie..."  Second grade humor.

I am not promoting Sir-Mix-A-Lot or his song - I could care less about either.  I am promoting the grandeur and beauty of Big Breasts - the Grand Teton.  You know, the mountain in northwest Wyoming.  You do know that's what it means, right?  But of course, Six-Mix-A-Lot's lyrics and video created ample controversy.  Everything creates controversies these days.    

But enough about breasts.  Here lies the documentation from a wannabe-journalist.  

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Solo Road Trip:  Pocatello and the Grand Teton

Seattle to Boise on Horizon,
then another 220+ miles driving to Poky.

Don't leave home without him.
I used to sneak Mr. Bullwinkle in Eric's bags
on every trip. It is only fair that he comes along on mine now.  

Breaking bread at Alex's. 
A loving meal prepared by Alex, Crista, Kathy, and Mike

Alex and Eric used to hike and nordic ski the exact trail numerous times.  "Beautiful switchbacks, streams, and blindingly breathtaking views."  I already took a liking, until I heard, "you'll be FINE!"  Alex repeatedly emphasized the word with a long-drawn "finnnneeee," as I silently suspected the 9 hours, 11 miles, 6,500 feet altitude gain (and drop) to Table Mountain - plus the 3 hours drive each way.  Table Mountain is located in the Teton Range and the Targhee National Forest.  It was the repetition that made me suspicious; if Alex said only one "fine" it would have been slightly more believable...  

As I packed my essentials into my daypack, I questioned if I would live to see it all. Scobie - my friend who's practically a walking encyclopedia - said it is like  climbing from the bottom of the Grand Canyon to the rim, plus 20%.  I didn't question Scobie's stats, since he is, you know, a walking encyclopedia.  

Here lies the "FINE" ascend and descend from death. 

Sunrise.  0615.
We began our pilgrimage from Poky to the trailhead,
a 3-hour drive.  Starbucks was spotted along the way.
Off to a good start!  

Mike (Sullivan) apparently ran, yes - RAN - this entire trail up the mountain in a race.  RAN.  All 6 miles, 6,500 ft altitude gain and all.  Suddenly I felt strangely inadequate as a City Person trying to fit in the wilderness...  "I'll be finnnneeeee," I reminded myself.  

From left to right
Kathy, Tessa, Molly, Crista

Kathy Sullivan and me

Mike and Kathy Sullivan

Various shots during our long march ascend.  Alex is right:  the view is already blindingly breathtaking,

Gracie taking a soak in the stream

Mountains have mysterious
healing powers

The Sound of (dreadful) Music!
"Climb every mountain...
Ford every stream..."

YAY!  A SNACK BREAK!

Mockery!
The sign says "trail"...DUH!

Steady...and don't fall over
to the left.  It's kinda steep.

Mike giving Gracie
some water from the
Playtapus 

Almost there, after
 climbing up these crags. 

The Long March to Table Mountain
We were like ants following a trail of sugar to the summit.

Long at last, after five hours of continuous ascend, much cursing, water and snack breaks, we reached the summit.  What a view!  The "Breasts" are IN-YOUR-FACE.  Larger than life.  There, you GASP(!!!) again.  

The Teton Range is "within reach" with the Grand on the right

Beyond these mountains in the valley
is Jackson, Wyoming

Our triumphant photos at 11,106 ft...

Mike and Kathy

Alex and me

Crista and Alex 

Shortly after we summited, the weather turned grumpy.  The wind was howling fiercely, and it started to hail.  We were too exposed to linger safely at the top. As we hurried our descend, Alex tossed a coin:  "HEAD, we go back the same way. TAIL, we take the short cut - shorter but much steeper."  Luck of the toss, it was TAIL.   

None of us has gone down that "short cut"...  Somewhere behind me mixed with the howling wind, I heard Alex's famous encouragement, "You'll be FINNNNEEEE!" 

As we descended with extreme care, there were talks about acute and delayed onset muscle soreness; how this micro-trauma to the muscles has nothing to do with lactic acid build-up, and the worst is yet to come.  The exciting physiology behind it all.  You see?  Alex is a professor emeritus and the retired-chair of the Physical Therapy and Physiology department at ISU.  He lives and breathes this stuff.  Child's play.  He's another walking encyclopedia.

Yet, at that very moment, I cared nothing about my lactic acid.  I just wanted a beer... And a big fat burger.  With fries.  

Exactly three hours later, we reached the bottom exhausted but elated.  Each had his share of cursing, laughter, and micro-trauama to the muscle fibers.  Much to our disapproval and dismay, we found this at the bottom of the trail:  

"You'll be FINNNNEEEEE!!!"  Famous last words.

Oh another silver lining to this bragging right?  I've lost a pound of fat today.  Dr. Alex did the math and declared 500 KCAL per hour of energy expenditure plus roughly 1800 KCAL at my basal metabolic rate approximated 6000 KCAL output for the 9-hour hike.  That's one pound of fat.  I'm going to eat a whole damn cow for dinner.  

As we were leaving the mountains and heading back to Poky, a vivid double-rainbow appeared.  I was convinced Eric was hiking with me the whole time, cheering me on.  Telling me, "Hone, you'll be just FINE."