Wedding Rings

The scary part about having a Meltdown is that my body remembers him.  The physical, mental, and emotional components.  Ridiculous, but sometimes I am embarrassed by Meltdown.  The embarrassment is irrational, but it is just how I feel.  I am afraid of being mis-labeled a drama queen.  What can I say; I have my share of insecurities.

The scariest part about remembering Meltdown is that I can count on its return.  It owes no warnings or explanations.  It comes and goes as it pleases, at its leisure.  Intermittently.  Unexpectedly.  Sometimes with a vengeance.  Perhaps like the kiss of death.

How I negotiate Meltdown is up to me.  Most of the time I do pretty well; others, I do exceptionally well.  Then there are times I just let Meltdown take over when all efforts become undeniably futile.  When he advances and refuses to retreat.  Like Victory, Meltdown has his right to exist.  I have a role to accept – may be even invite - his visit, if I ever want to live in peace again. 

I hosted Meltdown last week.  Meltdown: 1.  Daisy: 0  (I played like the Mariners.) 

Coincidentally, or not, last Thursday marked the 6-month anniversary of Eric’s death, but I don't believe  my grief was merely a reflection of the date.  I am now negotiating grief at a much deeper level, entering the abyss of no-answers, approaching the core.  The fear seemed paralyzing that the only release was tears.  Meltdown saw the opportunity; he advanced.   

But Meltdown’s visit also meant I made yet another positive step to live in peace.  My cup is still half full…I refuse an inferior attitude and tolerate no self-pity. 

It’s important to memorialize Meltdown’s visit from last week, so I can better negotiate, not avoid, his next arrival.   Similar to grief, Meltdown never gets any easier; just more familiar.  How one negotiates Meltdown is personal.

For my own benefits, I made a list:  

• Meltdown yields incredible pain.  It causes every fiber to ache like hell.  So what. 
• Honest, Real conversations that reach deep into the core can invite Meltdown.  Have more of those.
• Trusted friends need to know that Meltdown is visiting.  Text them. Write them. IM them.  
• Those same trusted friends will respond and dispatch an extra dose of love instantly.  For free.  The price is right!  Reap them.
• Seek company when Meltdown visits.
• Seek solitude when Meltdown visits.
• Eat well.  Eat wholesome.  Always.  
• Express gratitude.  Openly.  Sincerely.  Frequently. 
• Go outside.  Move.  No matter how crappy the weather is.  Even in the winter.  Even when it’s cold.  Even if it’s dark.  Don’t indulge excuses.
• Learn to swim well.  Water is my only phobia.  Let nothing, and no one, own me.
• Drive a Roadster.  Fly a plane.  Shoot arrows.  Learn something on Coursera.  Bake bread for others. Climb.  Fly a kite.  Go fishing.  Skate.  Do new things.  Move.
• Have a Daisy Day.  Eat at great restaurants.  Pour a glass of pinot.  Paint toenails a new color.  Book a body scrub.  Be catered to.
• I have not earned the feather of a drama queen; get over it.
• Seize the opportunity to gain one new experience everyday, if it is available.  When it is offered, seize it.  No matter what.  Even if it’s scary.  Especially if it’s scary. 

256 Charlie Bravo is airborne!
Choose to seize a brave new day, everyday.

I have so much more to ponder about this post-Eric era.  Some I already know; much is yet to be discovered.  When I am finally ready to negotiate the Wedding Rings portion of my grief, Meltdown will visit, Hot Mess will ensue.  And I will remind myself:  “Be the drama queen you aspire to be - you're still Victorious.  Now get your ass outside.  And move.”